If you have a loved one who needs or is getting treatment for addiction, you probably have already learned that addiction involves more than just the addict. When one person in a family is addicted, everyone is affected. That’s why they call addiction a family disease. Other family members who have ignored, denied, justified, and enabled the addict are known as codependent. But what, exactly is codependency and how do you stop it? Here are some points to consider.
Codependency Definitions
There are a number of definitions of codependency from various sources.
Some define codependency as a personality disorder, a dysfunctional relationship with the self characterized by living through or for another, attempting to control others, blaming others, a sense of victimization, of trying to fix others, as well as intense anxiety around intimacy.
Another definition of codependency is that it is habitual behaviors that are ultimately self-destructive.
Codependency is also considered by some as a psychological condition in which one person exhibits too much (and often inappropriate) caring for and about other people’s problems and issues.
Still others classify codependency as a disease, one that can be every bit as deadly as alcoholism, drug addiction, or eating disorders.
One site, WiseGEEK (http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-codependency.htm) says codependency “describes a situation in which a person literally becomes emotionally addicted to another person’s addiction.”
The Encyclopedia Britannica (http://www.britannica.com/EBchecked/topic/889897/codependency) defines codependency as “a psychological syndrome noted in partners or relatives of persons with alcohol or drug addiction. Not a formal psychiatric diagnosis, codependency has become a useful term for discussing aspects of family dysfunction, particularly among participants in recovery groups like Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon.”
According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) (http://archives.drugabuse.gov/txmanuals/IDCA/IDCA11.html), “codependency occurs when another individual, perhaps the addict’s spouse or family member, is controlled by the addict’s addictive behavior.” Some codependents are adult children of alcoholics or addicts. Their codependent behavior is the result of growing up in this environment of addiction. NIDA further says that “enabling behavior occurs when another person, often a codependent, helps or encourages the addict to continue using drugs, either directly or indirectly.”
Whatever the definition, codependency is a serious and debilitating condition that wreaks havoc on the lives of the codependent person and all those around him or her.
Characteristics of Codependents
How can you tell if you are codependent? What are some of the characteristics of codependents? While the following is not an all-inclusive list, and individuals who are codependent may not display all of them at one time, it is a good place to start.
People who are codependent have certain characteristics or traits involving caretaking, low self-worth, obsession, and repression.
As codependents, they may feel that they’re responsible for another person’s (especially the addict’s) actions, feelings, thoughts, well-being or lack of it, even their destiny. Frequently, when another person has a problem, the codependent feels a sense of anxiety, pity, or guilt. They may feel compelled to help the person or to somehow fix the problem – even if it is out of their ability to do so. Codependents will get angry when their attempts to fix the problem aren’t effective. They try to anticipate what other people need and constantly wonder why the same thing doesn’t happen for them. They don’t really know what they want or need, say yes instead of no, submerge their own interests and enjoyments in order to be caretakers to another, over commit, take on too much, and ignore their own well-being. Attracted to needy people, needy people are also attracted to them. It’s like a pull of gravity. If the codependent isn’t fixing a problem or handling a crisis, they often feel bored, worthless, and empty. At the heart of all this, the codependent feels angry, victimized, underappreciated, undervalued, and used. They also blame others for the spot they’re in and say that the reason they feel the way they do is because of other people.
Low self-worth is another key characteristic of the codependent. Often, the individual comes from a troubled or dysfunctional family – one which they adamantly deny was so. They also often have been victims of sexual or emotional abuse, violence, alcoholism, abandonment, or neglect. They actually feel like victims, take things personally, fear rejection, and are afraid they can never do anything right. Filled with self-blame for everything, the codependent constantly engages in self-criticism: They don’t look, act, feel, think, or behave the way they’re supposed to. Rejecting compliments or praise, codependents nevertheless secretly yearn for admiration from others. When they don’t get it, they become depressed. Ashamed of whom they are at their core, codependents have intense guilt. Since they think their own lives aren’t worth living, they valiantly attempt to help others instead. No one can possibly really love them, so they’ll settle for being needed.
Codependents may also suffer from repression and obsession. Afraid to let themselves be who they are, they may appear rigid and controlled, pushing their own thoughts and personal feelings aside due to guilt and fear. Their obsessive traits are quite obvious to anyone who pays attention. They worry over everything, constantly check up on people, aren’t able to sleep because of worry over other people’s problems. They constantly talk about other people, find something to worry about over meaningless things, and are always anxious about other people’s problems and issues.